October is here! The leaves are beginning to turn color, the air is cooling, and the days are noticeably shorter here in the northeast. That means SPOOKY SEASON! MY FAVORITE SEASON 🙂 It’s a great time to break out a spooky game to play with your kid, or by yourself with your favorite pumpkin beverage (like me these days). I’ll be sending along a list of game recommendations for spooky season soon.
Until then…
A couple issues back I explained how the ESRB ratings for games tells you what your kid is going to see on the screen. Realistically, you’re going to encounter times when your kid still happens to see something on screen, in a game, that you would have preferred they hadn’t. You’re going to have to live with that.
I remember one time playing The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom with my daughter by my side. She asked if she could “just run” across the map and I thought…sure, why not. We’re in a field. There’s horses. Sun is shining. The setting is calm. The controls are manageable. I know this game in and out and I would never expect a barrage of arrows to suddenly rain down on the main character (Link), killing them, in that situation.
That’s exactly what happened moments after I handed over the controller.
She sat quietly.
My first instinct was to turn the game off. Here’s the thing though. By the time you turn the game off or try to spin the situation that just played out on screen, the “scary” experience has already played out. Your kid is not going to unsee what they just saw. What you can control, however, is the next ten minutes or so.
What scares them depends on how old they are
Joanne Cantor spent decades studying how kids react to frightening media, and one of her most profound findings is also the most simple. Kids under (approximately) seven years of age are scared by what things look like. Monsters, weird faces, grotesque shapes, creatures and things that transform, etc. Older kids, (approximately) 8-12 years in age get scared by what could actually happen. Realistic violence, someone being significantly hurt, threats that they can imagine in real life, etc.
What wrecks a five year old might be a ghost in the Mickey Mania game that is rated E for everyone. And your ten year old doesn’t even register an ounce of scared.
This is, yet again, why the ESRB rating can’t be entirely depended on. The rating board doesn’t know your kid. You do.
Its impact is longer lasting than you might think
In 1999, Kristen Harrison and Joanne Cantor asked college students about media that scared them as kids. 90% of them could name something that scared them. More than half of that 90% mentioned that the scary thing messed with their sleep or eating at the time. About 26% mentioned they still felt some kind of anxiety from it…as adults…in college.
I’m not saying this just to try and scare the shit out parents. I’m just saying days, even weeks later, you might still have to confront some conversation, behavior, or other element of the day that has been impacted by that brief moment they encountered on screen. It’s worth being cognizant of.
Some kids want to be scared
It’s also worth being cognizant of the fact some kids want to be scared. In 2020, researchers wired up 110 people at a haunted house with heart rate monitors. Visitors enjoyed most a medium amount of fear inducing elements. Too much was not fun. Too little was too boring. There’s actually a sweet spot for feeling fear, and people often go looking for it on purpose. Why go to a haunted house? Why have a go at a horror flick even after trying to talk yourself out of it? Why ride a roller coaster?
Kids do this too. They seek a specific amount of fear inducing experience(s). It’s why they beg to play spooky levels in a game that they know is going to “scare” them.
And unlike movies, games give your kid control of the experience. They decide when to walk into the dark room. They decide when to back off or avoid the ominous creature. They can literally press pause and stop the experience entirely. Horror game designers know this, which is why so many scary games build into the experience safe rooms with calm music or bright light, etc, where nothing can hurt the player. Tension, release, tension, release. It’s as specific game design choice.
I don’t expect any of your kids under the age of 12 to have played a Resident Evil game. But perhaps you have… they’re masters at the pace in which tension builds and releases in game. (Go play Resident Evil Requiem, the latest title in the series, and experience it yourself)
What about violence though?
Parents always ask this. “Is the game violent though?” In 2020 the American Psychological Association said directly that there’s not enough scientific evidence to say violent games cause violent behavior, and that blaming games pulls attention away from things that actually predict violence. Lab studies have found small bumps in aggressive thoughts and behaviors, but nothing like what media has historically claimed.
So the question isn’t “Is this game going to make my kid violent?” It’s “did this game upset my kid?” and “Are they going to express that upset in some way?” such as in the bed time routine or the lunch time conversation, and how do I handle that.
🤔 What to consider doing
When in a situation where your kid experiences something “scary” in a game, maybe try the following:
Keep your face calm. Your reaction is the loudest thing in the room. If you panic, they learn the thing was worth panicking about.
Ask before you explain. “What was that like?” or “What part was scary?” You might find out the thing that got to them isn’t the thing that you thought.
Match the fix to the age. If your kid is younger than seven, put them on your lap, turn the lights on, turn the volume down, grab the stuffed animal, etc… whatever instills an immediate, mild to moderate restoration of comfort. Older than seven? Explain it, show them how the game works, look up how the scary thing together, etc.
Teach the pause button. Seriously! Show them that pausing, backing out, or handing you the controller is a totally valid move and not a failure. It’s a skill they’ll use on way more than just games as they grow older.
Watch for the ‘echo’: Maybe they have trouble sleeping. Maybe they begin avoiding the game. Maybe they bring it up days later. Etc. That’s your cue to talk again, not a reason to worry.
Don’t make telling you expensive. At all costs, make sure they know you’re glad they told you about what scared them.
Kids are going to get scared. By games, by movies, by the news, by life in general. We know this.
What you want to build in them is the comfort and confidence to come find you when they do get scared. Games are an opportunity for that.
Hit reply and tell me: what was the first game that genuinely scared you as a kid? (Mine was Silent Hill, on the original Sony Playstation).
Thanks for pressing pause with me.
– Patrick