Last issue I spoke about the ladder of online multiplayer and communication. The “safest,” first step on that ladder was couch co-op – when everyone playing is physically in the same room. So let’s talk about that, especially considering you very well may be the other player in the room!
I remember the first time my daughter and I played a game together where we both were actually playing. It was SSX Tricky on the Nintendo Gamecube. We sat on the couch together, looking at a 2001 Sony Trinitron, holding our wired controllers in our hands, leaning into one another as we swerved down massive mountains on our snowboards. She looooves this game. And I loved playing it with her. We laughed. We teased. We yelled. It was a really joyful experience. One I had always imagined but until then hadn’t fully experienced as a father.
The lead up to that experience, though, was honestly a bit stressful. What console should I have her play on? What type of game? Is she capable? Will she like it? Will she want me to play with her?
“Should I play with my kid or let them play alone” was a question that rattled my brain beforehand. It sounds like a question with a definitive, right answer. But the truth is there isn’t a right answer. Both experiences – playing together and playing by themselves – are good for them, for different reasons.
Playing together
In a 2026 survey of American video game players, three out of four parents said they play video games. 81% of those parents said they play with their kids.
In 2011, researchers at Brigham Young University surveyed 287 families about video games, specifically teens and their parents. They wanted to know if it mattered whether parents played video games with their kids.
For daughters, it did. It turns out girls who played games with a parent showed lower levels of aggression and anxious behavior. They voiced feeling more “connected” to their parents. For sons, there wasn’t as strong a signal.
In 2018, researchers at UC Davis surveyed 361 parents about how often their families played video games together. They found that the more often a family played together, the more satisfied the parents were with family life, and the closer they said they felt. What’s most surprising from this study was that they found families who said they were bad at communicating with one another got more out of playing together than families who were already made up of strong communicators.
Let me pose an idea for you based on this research, because this happens all the time to me… If your kid answers every “how was your day?” with “fine,” play a video game with them. It might be an easier way into their world. You’re side by side, looking at the same screen, with no eye contact and no confrontation. Hell, you’re sitting down, level with them, so even physically there’s a dismantling of momentary intimidation. Just talk to them as you play.
These are just a few studies pointing in one direction: playing games together may help with communicating with your kid.
Playing alone
Now the other side of the conversation…
In 2007, the American Academy of Pediatrics published a massive report on why “play” matters. One of its primary points was about who’s in charge of the play experience. When kids are in control of the play experience, they grow in ways they wouldn’t have if adults are driving the play experience.
That’s primarily because when adults run the game, kids tend to follow along. However, when kids are playing alone, kids run their own game, and are then prone to building valuable skills: decision making, creativity, leadership, and problem solving.
The single most pronounced form of kids driving the play experience in video games is the concept of “saves” – the points in a game where you can choose to save your progress. In a game, kids can choose where to go. They choose what they want to try. And they fail often, but nobody sees. Then they try again. And keep trying. Until they succeed, at which point they will ‘save’ their game. That’s (one of) their rewards that they’re in full control of. Saving the game locks their accomplishment for them to relish in.
So…playing alone isn’t all bad like you might think it is. It’s not something you should feel guilty about. Let them play alone! (obviously, with the necessary supervision around what they’re playing and with who)
Co-op by design
Game designers have been designing for cooperative play for a long time. Some of the best games ever made are two player games, games you and your kid could enjoy together.
When Nintendo made Super Mario Galaxy for the Nintendo Wii (an all-time great game), they tried a version of co-op where the second player helped control Mario. For example, the second player might be the one who decides if and when Mario jumps. Well…that didn’t work. The second player just continued to get in the way of fluid gameplay experiences for both players.
So they changed the second player’s job. In the final game, player two is in charge of a pointer that floats around the screen, grabbing collectibles and freezing enemies. Player one is in full control of Mario. Player two is in partial control of affecting the world around Mario. Shigeru Miyamoto (my favorite game designer of all time), the creator of Mario, said the picture in his head was of a parent sitting next to their kid, helping out. He also said he pictured it the other way around: the parent playing Mario and the kid calling out the enemies.
Nintendo continues this pattern today. They did it again in Super Mario Odyssey – one of the greatest 3D platformer adventures of all time. The second player takes control of Cappy, Mario’s hat, and can fly around protecting Mario and affecting the environment around him. In Luigi’s Mansion 3, one player plays as Luigi while the other is Gooigi, his green goo twin helping solve multi-part puzzles. In Donkey Kong Bonanza, one player is Donkey Kong and the other is Pauline, sitting on DK’s shoulder, helping him affect the world around him.
These are just a few master class games made with two players in mind. You and your friend. You and your kid. Your kid and their friend. Designers call this asymmetric co-op: two players doing different jobs.
Four seats on the couch
It’s worth mentioning that you don’t have to pick between playing together and not playing together. Think of it as four seats to the show, each with a different level of involvement, and then choose which you want to be:
The teammate. You both have controllers in hand. You’re both playing the game. Co-op adventures, racing games, puzzle games, party games, etc.
The sidekick. You play, but in the smaller role. You’re Cappy, not Mario. You’re Pauline, not Donkey Kong. You’re the one handing out power-ups and enhancing the other player’s experience.
The audience. You don’t play. But you watch! You ask questions and react. “How did you do that?!” counts as a connection with your kid in the gameplay experience.
The empty seat. You’re not there. The game is entirely theirs. After they play, you ask all about it. They’ll love that, I promise.
In my house, the kid tends to pick the seat. If they want me as the audience, that’s fine. I’ll take it. If they want me to be the teammate, I’m ready to go.
🤔 Additional considerations
Pick games built for uneven skill. Look for co-op games where the second player has a totally different job. A big skill gap in these games does not matter.
Take the sidekick job willingly. I do this all the time. Let them be player one. It’s their world and you’re visiting. Nothing gets them more positively jazzed.
Don’t fake it. If you don’t enjoy the game, your kid is going to pick up on it. Believe me. So find one you both like, OR willingly take the audience seat instead.
Keep their save file in mind. They’re allowing you to participate in their world. They have milestones, challenges, save points. Don’t play ahead of them. Don’t beat the bosses for them (unless they ask you to). Don’t risk the progress and save points in their game.
Ask for a tour of the game. “Show me the best thing you found this week” is an entire 5 minute conversation you can have with your kid. And they’ll be more than happy to answer. Ask game-specific questions to unlock them as communicators.
Make playing together a habit, not a rule. A Friday night race. One level before bed. Five minutes on a timer if they completed their morning routine early. Etc. Make playing together something they can count on. (Just don’t over extend)
Just remember, the goal of playing together isn’t to play every game with them. It’s for them to know the second controller is there whenever they want to hand it to you, and you’re willing to engage.
What’s a game you played with your parents or siblings growing up?
Hit reply to tell me! I want to know! As for me? What game didn’t I play with others?! It was a different time when I was growing up, but I was constantly playing with my brother and my best friends.
Thanks for pressing pause with me.
– Patrick